Depression and Anxiety...Not alone

These are not things most people want to identify with… I did not understand depression until I experienced it 4 years ago. I’d never had a panic attack in my life until that point either and I’d never imagined any of that would happen to me. That stuff happened to other people. You know people with mental health issues. I’m a generally empathic and caring person but until then I’d had no experience with depression or panic attacks or constant anxiety and I think on many levels I had internal negative perceptions of people with these issues. I didn’t think it would happen to me. I’m a Christian, God loves me, he’s supposed to be giving me joy and peace. That’s the kingdom of God, that’s the fruit of the Holy Spirit that fills me right? It shouldn’t be part of my experience. I’m a highly educated professional…I’m supposed to have it together and help others with their disorders right? But I’m also a fragile human being who’s had a lot of difficult, painful, heart shattering experiences. My severe depression and panic attacks came after a series of painful horrible losses and challenging life experiences that would affect anyone. I won’t get into all of it but I had two much wanted pregnancies end in a span of 6 months. The 2nd one threatened my life and I ended up in the hospital losing the baby, having surgery that resulted in my losing very important parts of my body. I slowly recovered physically and went back to work but mentally and emotionally I could not cope. I saw a counselor that had helped me after my previous loss. The previous loss, she had said I was experiencing normal grief, I went to a Greif share class and by the time the group ended I was doing much better. This next loss I could not recover from. Depression is NOT just feeling sad. It encompassed every part of life. I could not sleep, I could barely get up and doing everything felt so so difficult. I could not concentrate or read or think straight or remember things. No one knew because I took a few sick days when I couldn’t cope and then did my job ok when I was there. One day I walked out of a school and felt so horrible that I felt as though I could not take one more second of this. I started to understand how people could get to a point of wanting to end their life. I had no plans for doing that but I really could see how someone could get there. Fast forward to today. I got help, I took medication, went to counseling, went to a class at the local healthcentre, had friends support me and pray for and with me and in time it got better. I’ve had relapses in times of high stress and loss but it’s much much better. I haven’t talked about panic attacks yet…. those are really really not fun at all. After a few months of depression, I had my first ever panic attack. It was the strangest experience. I was at a music practice doing something I love surrounded by friends. I started feeling very strange then I couldn’t breathe, I was hyperventilating, my hands were tingly and numb, I felt like I was completely losing it like I was having a serious life threatening medical emergency. Then it ended and I thought it was a one time thing and I had no clue what had happened until someone else said I’d had a panic attack. I thought it was a one time thing until I was driving home and the whole thing started to happen again. The next day it happened two more times, and the next day it happened two more times and I could feel a 3rd one coming on so I asked my neighbour to take me to the hospital because I had no idea what to do. I had a panic attack as I walked in the doors of the hospital. They were very concerned at first because I appeared to not be able to breathe. Then they realized it was a panic attack and offered me Ativan. I love that stuff so much although I know it’s not a good long term solution. I waited 9 hours to see the doctor and left with a follow up appointment with the psychiatrist. I never thought I’d need to see a psychiatrist but I saw him regularly for a year and the as needed after that. He was very helpful. I had many many more panic attacks after that. I had them at church, at work…hiding out in a bathroom or my car to pull myself together so neither my colleagues nor clients would know. I had them at the dog park and in my house and well you get the picture. My issues with anxiety have gotten better and it’s still an ongoing issue for me. As I write this I’ve been having almost constant anxiety for over a week. Don’t ask me what I’m anxious about because to some extent I don’t even know. It’s not being anxious about a specific stressful thing like being anxious about a test or not being able to pay your bills…. that’s normal anxiety. I have that like everyone else and that stuff doesn’t bother me because it makes sense. This is constant and not in line with anything bad or stressful because I’m having a very average week that sometimes I would not have much anxiety at all in. On the other hand, I’ve been on a journey of healing with Jesus and some helpful people and I am starting to understand how he’s bringing healing to many areas that probably underlie some of these issues. So here I am. I’m loved by God, by family and friends, I’m beautiful, caring, smart, and have some many awesome things going for me. I’m also stuck in anxiety…. it’s more common than you think. I want people to know they are not alone and Jesus wants to come alongside us to comfort us, hold us close, and heal every broken part of our hearts and show us how we are never ever alone. More about Him later